The following stories are raw, largely unedited and at times emotional and uncomfortably candid. However, it is important that these stories be shared and the silence broken - both for their sake and ours. It is healing to share one's painful life lessons, but even more important, I wish to share with my sisters around the world that many of our own suffer greatly following an abortion. Indeed, abortion is not the quick, painless medical procedure it is made out to be.
If you are interested in seeing your story here, as a condition of submitting, you validate that this is your true story and that 101Girl's Guide has permission to use this version of your story in any future published works. If you agree to these conditions you may email submitmystory[AT]101girlsguide.com. If you have been touched by these stories or the book I would love to know!
For more stories see "the book."
Brandi's Story Abortion is a "choice" that results in a dead child and a wounded mother.
I had a partial birth abortion in 2003 which I vividly recall. I did it knowing it was wrong. And being raped by a bi-sexual with STD's is really NO excuse. The rape occurred in a setting I was led to believe was safe, but when I learned the truth about who attacked me, I freaked out and couldn't handle it. In my state of mind at the time, I knew nothing else to do but abortion though I was too far along for a legal viability abortion in my home state, partial birth abortion was the route I "chose" I waited until I returned to my home state from the location I was at the time I conceived to schedule the abortion appointment. The day of death for my daughter, Esther Nicole, was May 8, 2003. I was shaking through the entire horrific agony, not wanting to go through with it, but in my mind, even knowing about the adoption options, I had nowhere else to turn but to allow a college medical resident unsupervised to perform the most disgusting and unforgivable yuck of a "medical" procedure on me. He didn't even do it correctly and it caused me severe problems. Late term abortions normally last a few days though mine was crammed into just one. When I went into where it was actually carried out, they called me to the back, sat me in a cold room, took my vitals- not once concerned about my well being. Before I knew it, my time of torture was to begin. They called me to the room where the exam table was with the stirrups. It was a cold sense to me, and the stench was unbearable to the senses. The killer came in and proceeded with no emotion in carrying out the abortion, I had feeling to the point I screamed a few times and was abruptly told to be quiet that my noise was jeopardizing business but I didn't care being that the last time I screamed was when after the killer sucked my babies brains out, her nerves were still functioning so he thought she was still alive, he chopped her neck and it hit the steel can below the table. I couldn't bear to look at my baby when the man was done murdering brutally the life God put inside me (though under horrible circumstances) I cried for days when it was over, tried to block it out of my mind, and went thru an emotional roller coaster that I can't put into words that the abortion people didn't warn me would happen that go along with the affects of having an abortion. They actually refuse to inform women seeking their services of the truth and dangers that abortion kills babies, and also can hurt and kill the mother. It doesn't help anything or anyone. Life begins at the moment of fertilization and that's a proven scientific fact. Those who don't understand have condemned me and I let it eat me alive but now I realize that God loves me no matter what and has forgiven me so I'm able to live and walk in the freedom of Jesus Christ instead of the condemnation of the devil!
Hi. My name is Rabun and I'm 21 years old. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half now. I found out 5 months ago that I was pregnant and I was completely shocked. I have friends who have had babies at a young age and I always said that I wouldn't end up like that. I thought it would ruin my life. I called an abortion clinic the next morning and since I found out I was pregnant at 3 weeks, I had to wait until I was 6 weeks pregnant to have the abortion. Those three weeks went by so slow and I didn't tell a soul. The only person that knew was my boyfriend.The day we went to the clinic was so surreal. I remember every detail of that day and going there was the most terrible experience of my life. I was there 7 hours total. I remember being on the operating table waiting for the anesthesia to kick in staring at the clock on the wall - even though I was asleep the sound of a vacuum played over and over in my head. Since then I think about what I did every day. I cry every day and even though my life would be different now had I kept it I wish to God I would have. I know you might be reading this and like me you are thinking how will you tell your parents or what will people think of you? Please don't punish the life inside of you....tell someone who cares for you. Please - don't do what I did....it haunts me every day of my life.
My story starts out as a sad one. First, let me tell you a little about me. My name is Hope and I am 33. I am divorced and have no living children. As a child, I was sexually abused by five men in my family. It started at a young age and continued into my teenage years. At the age of 12, as the incest continued, I found myself pregnant. I DID NOT have a choice; I was COMPLETELY forced to have an abortion. From personal experience, I know how it feels to be violated, lonely, used, dirty, dead (inside), hurt, and pain.
Often a girl covers for the abuser because she is afraid of losing (the person that she is led to believe) is the ONLY person who really "loves" her. She may be told that if she tells, either no one will believe her or that she is a bad girl. I was made to believe that I could only be loved through sex. I was afraid of losing my father's love and I was led to believe that he loved me and that if I ever told anyone, no one would believe me anyhow.
I was told that I was doing the right thing because a baby should not come into the world if it was the product of incest or rape. I wasn’t told that it would feel like a part of me was being "sucked" out of my body...like me whole entire soul was being taken from me!!! I am not sure that my father knew what was going to happen at the abortion clinic. I was 6 1/2 weeks along and just couldn't even fathom.... a teen pregnancy; which was the product of incest and rape. I experienced depression, sadness, guilt, anger, hurt, and pain after the abortion. The abuse did not end there and at the age of 15, I ended up pregnant again and had to have another abortion, against my choice.
At the age of 19, I got married. We were pregnant shortly thereafter. My marriage was on the rocks and I ended up having a miscarriage at 9 weeks. I had developed high blood pressure. My life was sad and miserable. Then I got pregnant again and 3 days after my 20th birthday, I found out that we were being blessed with twins. Two weeks after that, we found out that they were both girls. I had a late second trimester miscarriage. At this time, I had to have a D&C and a laparoscopy. From that surgery, I learned that I had Endometriosis and Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). After the surgery, I became pregnant again and at 8 weeks, I20had yet another miscarriage. Two months later, I was pregnant again and had suffered another miscarriage; By this time, I couldn't handle the physical and emotional abuse anymore and found out when I was getting ready to leave my ex husband, that he was a homosexual. I actually walked in on him having sex with his lover. I had to leave because I thought that I would have hurt him.
I enrolled in nursing school in August 1998. I met a guy, who was in one of my classes, and found that he was easy to talk to and be with. So we got together. From that time, 10 months later I was pregnant and by then had found out that I was again going to have twins....a boy and a girl. He split. Twins run in my family. At the time, I was taking both my Anatomy and Physiology's. I had severe morning sickness... all day long. I quit=2 0school in October because the chemicals used in the labs made me sick. When I quit, I left town because I was ashamed. I fled to a big city. Two months later, my family talked me into coming home. On January 16, 1999, I had my baby shower. I received EVERYTHING!!!! Then, one month later, I became hypertensive again and 3 1/2 weeks later, I went in for my routine sonogram. My babies heartbeats had stopped. I had no warning. That morning they were playful and kicking and with a few hours, nothing. I was 7 1/2 months along and had to be induced. I was told because of my lack of good weight gain, that I starved them to death. I couldn't keep anything down throughout my pregnancy. However, I was blamed and I still live with the guilt. Recently, I got out the death certificates and on my son's, it said that it was a cord accident.
Several months later, I met my husband. I got pregnant and again had another miscarriage at 11 weeks and 4 days on March 17, 2000. I went to a new DR in August, who started me on Clomid. He had hoped that I would start my period on my own. So when I didn't he started me on Provera for 5 days and then when I started, on the 5th day, I was back on the Clomid. I had blood work done and my Progesterone level was only 0.3. He explained to me that it is suppose to be at least 12.0 or higher. So in September, he did not run a pregnancy test because he said that it would have been impossible for me to get pregnant, and started me on Provera, Clomid and Metformin. I started my period and bled normally for 7 days. After the 7 days, I started hemorrhaging. This went on for 22 days. So on October 16, I had another D&C laparoscopy and laparotomy to remove the remains of a baby that I didn't even know existed who was 8 1/2 weeks in utero. The bleeding finally stopped. I went to the DR again because of a positive urine test. He did a blood test and it was positive. So he did a sonogram and told me that there was nothing in my uterus...I was not pregnant. I went home sad. On November 23, m y family and I was in a serious car accident and on November 30, I started bleeding and then hemorrhaging again and on December 3, I passed my baby, sac and all. On December 4, when I took my doctor my baby's remains, he refused to see me and I had to push my way in to see him. I put my baby on his desk. I had put it in a clear Ziploc bag so it was evident. By this time, I felt my 12 miscarriages have a direct link with my 2 abortions.
At this point, I decided that I needed to see a specialist ... a Reproductive Endocrinologist. So on January 10, I went and he gave me a shot of Progesterone to stop the bleeding and sent me for blood work. It never stopped. So on January 22, I went in for a pre op visit for surgery; I found out then that I have Type 2 Diabetes. He gave me another Progesterone shot, hoping to stop the bleeding so he could get a clear view of my uterus, ovaries, tubes and etc. On January 25, I had a D&C and hysteroscopy to check my tubes. My tubes were fine. I had been bleeding for 57 days.
In 2001, my husband and I separated and in 2002, I finally made a motion for the judge to grant me a divorce. My husband was never supportive of me through any of my pain, especially when my babies due dates and death dates came along.
In July 2004, I had Gastric Bypass Surgery and as of now, November 2008, I have lost over 300lbs. That weight I gained over all the years was like a cover for me. I didn’t want to feel the pain of the abortion any longer. I have been denied plastic surgery two different times. I need to have this skin removed so that I can become healthier. Because of a job change, I no longer have insurance. So here I am with no husband, no children, and am all into my work that I have no time for myself. I did graduate from college in 2006. I just wish that I could really truly be happy...way down deep in my heart.
My grief for all my children is beyond degree, especially what I felt when I was forced into the 2 abortions. I finally understood and was able to cope with how the abortions affected me spiritually. I know that God understands the emotional pain that I have and I know that HE loves me. I just wished that those 2 abortions had never happened. At this point in my life, I feel that the reason that I can't carry to term and have a healthy baby is because of the 2 abortions....that somehow I am being punished.
I did name my children. Their names are Peyton Elizabeth, Sean Patrick, Matthew Luke, Dream Marie and Destiny Ann, Isaiah Joel, Gabriella Faith, Joel Pate and Abagail Grace, Madison Hope, Morgan Elisa, and Whisper Faith, Haven Olivia, and Kelsey Elise.
September 2007 I found out I was pregnant. I was 19 years old. It wasn't that I didn't want to have a baby, Lord knows that I love kids so much. I just felt like I couldn't have a baby. I couldn't be pregnant, not now. My father is a pastor. I lead worship at the church. What kind of person would I look like? Yes, I was raised that sex before marriage is wrong. What kind of people would my parents look like? But it wasn't just some random guy that I had slept with. I have been with the same guy for 5 years. We were engaged at the time, and he is now my husband. My fiance was so excited when I told him I was pregnant. I was so scared.. and he got so mad at how frightened I was. I panicked, I just kept thinking "this can't be happening to me". The next thing I knew I was in an abortion clinic. I knew it wasn't right, but was too scared to know what to do. I was so frightened that while I was waiting I passed out. I should've taken that as a sign and left, but went through with it anyway. On September 11, 2007 I lost my baby at 3 weeks and 4 days. I told my fiance that I had an ectopic pregnancy, and the same to my mom. I am so ashamed of what I have done. It has been a year and I still cannot come to grips with my actions. I feel like the most horrible person in the world. I cannot look at babies or pregnant women without dieing a little inside. I feel like I will always be missing a piece of me. I cannot believe I was so selfish. I got pregnant again in May 2008. I was so excited words couldn't describe it. I ended up have a miscarriage. I was so crushed.. I feel like God is punishing me for my mistakes.. I pray constantly for forgiveness. Although I know he is a very forgiving God, for some reason I just don't feel like he could ever forgive that. I wish that abortion wouldn't have been an option. I regret it every day of my life.
It all started on the 17th of July 2007. I was 19 years old and I was on holiday in Turkey as usual (I go away for 3 months of the year each year). That was the date I conceived my angel.
I wasn’t aware I was pregnant. I was under a lot of stress so I just put my delayed period down to that, but when I got home my mum turned to me and just said "Hayley look I know you haven’t come on your period, I think we should go get you some tests." So we did that. We told my dad what was going on and that there was a chance I could be pregnant. He went off on one and started saying "I won’t have anything to do with the dirty little Muslim." This words stabbed me like a knife hearing my dad speak of the baby I was carrying like this. I wanted to kill him. I broke down in tears in the car and I could not stop. This annoyed my mum even more and she started shouting at my dad. When finally I got out the car and went towards the supermarket I started getting hideous pains in my stomach and lower area. My mum said I was obviously distressing the baby if I was pregnant. Anyway on the way home I just sat in the car in silence. Got home and 2 tests later it was confirmed, I was indeed pregnant
I didn’t know what to think. I just started crying. Also my mum started crying. Neither of us know why we cried. Maybe it was the shock. Anyway that night I stayed alone. I text the father and asked him "What do u want?" He replied saying we both need to think about it. I thought and thought and thought about it. I had taken an overdose on holiday of strong medication while I was pregnant that had a pretty high chance of damaging my baby. How could I live with myself if I had hurt my baby from the tablets?? Anyway I thought long and hard, would I be able to supply for my baby??? cus the father sure didn’t have the money to... I knew deep down I would not be able to support my baby.
I went to the doctors the next day and had to take back a urine sample the next day to confirm the pregnancy. I had to go back 2 days later, and discuss what I was going to do. I had decided a termination was the only option for me. I couldn’t even consider adoption cus I know I wouldn’t go through with that, cus once I saw my baby I would not let him or him go. The doctor went through my current situation and agreed I was probably doing the right thing. He handed me over the papers, and gave me a number to ring to arrange an appointment. I rang as soon as I got home. The lady was very understanding on the phone and she arranged an appointment for 10 days later for 8am.
The day slowly came round and there I was in the waiting room waiting to be seen. I wasn’t even sure what they was going to do today. I soon found out... They took me in for an ultrasound. As soon as I got in there I was asking the man "Would the tablets I have taken harmed my baby?" He had no answers. As I was having my ultrasound I suddenly blurted out "Can I have a picture of my baby? Please can I have a picture?" He said yes, but after the ultrasound he didn’t give me one.
About 30 more minutes waiting in the waiting room I was called in to see a nurse. She explained as I was only 5 weeks pregnant they couldn’t do nothing at this time.... this I did not understand?? Why couldn’t they do nothing at this stage?? I was too numb to ask. She was explaining to me that I would have to come back 3 weeks later. As she was going through the details of the process, I looked around the room, love songs were playing on the radio, then a chair caught my eye. I don’t know why but this distressed me a great deal and I broke down into tears. The nurse asked me if this is truly what I wanted. I just nodded not able to speak through the sobs. In the end she booked me in for 31st of August for another ultrasound and to take the first tablet.
It came around soon enough and I was up and ready at 7am. My appointment wasn’t until 10am. My sister came round at half 9 to collect me and take me. All the way to the hospital she kept asking me to think about it and if I was sure this is what I wanted to do?? I was numb yet again, and hardly spoke a word. When we got there I gave my name to the lady behind the desk and she told me to take a seat, so me and my sister took a seat.
Opposite me there was a little boy around the age of 2, I would reckon. He looked like a little Turkish boy. It broke my heart, knowing that my baby would be half Turkish and could look like this little boy running around. I just stared and I felt my heart breaking inside me. I ran out of the clinic and just lent up against the wall crying my eyes out. I couldn’t control it. Tears were streaming down my face as I thought "Why the hell am I here? Why do I want to kill my own child?? My own flesh and blood!" My sister came running after me and said "Look Hayley, I can see you haven’t thought this through, let’s just go home ok?" I ignored her and made my way back into the clinic, eyes still pricking with tears.
After about 10 minutes my name was called for my ultrasound. I slowly made my way to the room and my sister took my hand and asked if she could come in. There was something different in the room this time, there was a screen from the ultrasound facing the bed, this I didn’t see before. The man asked if I wanted to see the baby. I really don’t know why but I just had to say yes even though I was 70% sure I was going to go through with the abortion. As he put the jelly on my belly, I got scared again and felt like I was going to cry. Suddenly I saw something on the screen, a big round shape. I suddenly thought "Oh my God that’s my baby’s head" my sister thought the same, but the man explained it was the sac. He showed us the baby, so tiny, so fragile. I didn’t know what to think I just stared at the screen , not taking it in. He said I was 6 weeks 3 days this time, and after that I left the room and waited for a nurse to call me. Finally she called, this was the moment of truth.
... Would I take this pill and kill my baby or would I do the right thing and give my baby a chance, after all he/she had done nothing to me. I went in the room, and the doctor went through the process of what would happen, and handed me some papers to sign. I signed them without thinking. He explained the risks. I didn’t care about the risks. If I was going through with it I deserved something bad to happen. I signed them. Then he put a pill and a glass of water in front of me. Without thinking I took the pill, that was it. Straight after I knew I had done the wrong thing. I wanted to take it back so much but I couldn’t, what the fuck had I just done??? I had started the process of killing my baby who had done nothing wrong to me or anyone!! I wanted to die. I wanted to die like my baby would have to die! I didn’t deserve to be here!!
I left the room and my sister looked at me. I nodded my head to say I had done it. She looked heartbroken. She didn’t think I would do it. She didn’t think I was capable of doing it, neither did I... She rang my mum when we was outside. Turned out mum didn’t think I would do it either, she was crying down the phone. I was walking along crying, my sister was in total silence. I had to go for 2 blood tests after and the wait was an hour long. I just wanted to be away from there. After the blood tests I went home. I went to my room and just held my tummy and said how sorry I was to my baby who was going to be parted from me in 2 days. I cried nonstop that night. The following day, I constantly held my tummy and said how sorry I was and how I shouldn’t of done it. I prayed nonstop. I didn’t get any feeling of peace, well I guess I wouldn’t...
2nd of September 2007 I had to be in the ward at 8am. I was there at 7:30. I was numb. I wanted to cry and run out but I knew I couldn’t cus already I had harmed my baby from that one tablet I had taken on the Friday. Soon my name was called and I was shown to a bed. There was one other girl there...with her boyfriend. I wanted to just shout at her. She obviously had a boyfriend who would support her and the baby, well that’s what I thought anyway. I got in the bed and shut the curtains around me. I didn’t want no1 to see this hideous monster who partly killed her baby already.
I felt like the most disgusting person in the world. The nurse came soon after and told me to strip off my bottom half and get on the bed... This was it... the tablets that would kill my baby... I done as she said and she explained what she was going to do... I knew everything already as I had constantly been looking on websites about it. I lay there while she inserted 4 tablets inside me. I started crying uncontrollably, praying to God for forgiveness and to look after my baby, which I had never given a chance to live. I had to lay down for 1 hour. I laid there crying the whole time. WHAT HAD I DONE?? I HAD MURDERED SOMEBODY. I WAS A MURDERER, A KILLER, A MONSTER! I HAD KILLED MY OWN BABY! I DESERVED TO DIE FOR THIS!
When the hour was up, I had to walk around. I was in no pain at this stage, as the nurse had given me strong pain killers. I walked for a good 2 hours, but no bleeding. Then I got the most hideous cramping. The nurse told me to keep walking around, no matter how painful it was. I did as she said... I walked and I walked... then I had that sudden feeling of the beginning of a period. I rushed back, went to the bathroom, and indeed I had started to bleed. There was only a tiny bit of blood, a tiny clot. I was convinced it was my baby, and lost all control. I came out of the room, crying uncontrollably, and went and found a nurse. I broke down and said "I don’t know what to do." She went to take me in 2 a room to talk to me. I didn’t want to talk to her, to nobody. She asked what was wrong. I just said I was in pain. It was a lie. I was scared of what I had just seen. She asked if I wanted an injection to take away the pain. I refused. I was in some pain but I didn’t deserve for it to be taken away from me.
I went back to my bed and said to myself I will rest for 10minutes then get up and walk again. I ended up falling to sleep, for roughly half an hour. I woke up suddenly, not knowing where I was, then it all became clear. I sat up in the bed, and pulled the covers off of me. I stood up. All of a sudden blood gushed out of me, and went all on my pajama bottoms. I was so scared I didn’t know what to do. I buzzed the nurse and she came in, gave me a nighty and told me to go to the ladies.
I stood in the bathroom for a good 5 minutes not wanting to see what had happened, but I knew I had to get cleaned up. The nurse poked her head round the door and asked if I was alright. I said yes. Another lie. I wasn’t alright. I didn’t want to get cleaned up. Another 5 minutes later I took my PJ bottoms off. I had to put the pads in the bin. That’s when I saw the contents what was on it. I started crying again. I didn’t want to put the pads in the bin! It had my baby on it!! Obviously not in form of a baby, but it was no doubt my baby, MY BABY!!! I couldn’t look at the pads, I ripped them off, but then I couldn’t find the bags that you have to put them in. I was getting very distressed at this point, holding 2 pads with MY BABY on them!!! Eventually I found the bags, and disposed of my baby. I cleaned up and the nurse came into the bathroom. My sister was on the phone, the nurse asked if I wanted to see her. I said yes.
I made my way back to my bed. In the ward, an old woman and 2 pregnant women were eating their lunch. I managed to get to my bed and let out heartfelt sobs for what I had just seen and what I had done. One of the pregnant ladies came over to me and asked if I wanted to go for a walk with her. I couldn’t speak. I just took her hand and nodded no. She rubbed my back and went back to her food. This made me even worse, the fact that this woman was being nice to me. I didn’t deserve it. I cried even more. I didn’t care how loud I was being or what I looked or sounded like, I had to let it out. Then the other girl and her boyfriend came back in 2 the ward. They looked at me. I looked at the floor. I wanted to scream at her, "Why aren’t you showing no emotion!!? You just killed your baby!!!" but I didn’t. I was knackered from all the crying. I felt drained. I got back in 2 bed, not having the energy to walk anymore. 2 nurses came and shut the curtains around me. They spoke to me for a good 15 minutes. They were being so nice and kind I couldn’t deal with it. I started crying again. After a while they had calmed me down. My sister turned up, shortly followed by my mother. At around 5pm I was finally allowed to go home. I didn’t want to, but I knew I had too.
When I got home I just sat on the sofa. I couldn’t eat nothing. HOW COULD I?? I didn’t deserve to eat. That night was the worse. I was even scared to go to the toilet, in case what I saw wasn’t my baby, even thought deep down I knew it was. When I finally did allowed myself to go, I saw something else that frightened the life out of me. I didn’t know what it was, but it distressed me a great deal. I refused to go back to the toilet after that. The next day I was still not eating and still deeply upset. About the following day, mum had got some wine. I was tempted to take the whole pack of pain killers the nurse had given me and drink them down with a bottle of wine, but for some reason I didn’t. Mum got drunk that night, and she turned on me, calling me a murder and all sorts. I deserved it. I know I did.
It’s been 5 weeks today since the first tablet I took to start off the process, and the pain now is even worse. I am missing something... MY CHILD, MY BABY, MY ANGEL. Would my baby have been a girl??? A little boy??? Have brown hair?? Blonde hair?? What colour eyes?? I will never know this. Please anyone out there who is thinking of getting an abortion please just think long and hard!!! Please!! I don’t want people making the same mistake as me!! The pain don’t go away!! You may think it does but that’s a lie. It will stay with you forever. Here’s my email if anyone wants to get in contact, whether you have had an abortion or you are thinking of getting one hayleymunns [AT] googlemail.com.
And for my Baby who is in the arms of God, I am so deeply sorry.
I am a 17 year old girl. I had an abortion just yesterday although I never wanted to. This is my story. I live in the Middle East in Muscat, Oman. I am Italian but Muslim. I had been seeing an Arab guy for 1 year 8 months, then found I was pregnant on the 7th of August 2007. I was ever so scared - my father would kill - not to mention the people of Oman are strong believers in Islam. They believe you are not to have sex out of wedlock, heaven forbid having a child out of wedlock! I would be deported because it is against the law and to have a child if I'm not married. Normally when things like this happen the boyfriend asks her to marry him or the girl kills herself.
But even though I knew how everybody would react I was happy at the thought of being pregnant. I called my boyfriend to tell him but he didn’t react the way I hoped. He told me not to worry and that everything would be alright, we'll find a way to get rid of it. My heart broke into a million pieces. I wanted my baby and I was hoping at least he would support me. and I did tell him we could have kept it, left the country and had our own little family but he was too busy thinking about his life, his future, what he wanted.
The reason he said ‘find a way,’ is because abortion is illegal in Oman and there was no way I could have left the country without my parents finding out. After a week he came to me with many different kinds of pills and things to drink and so on. I absolutely disagreed to take anything, because I knew it could cause a lot of damaged to me, but he was getting impatient, so I decided to tell my sister. She took it very well but told my mother and father. They were shocked and my father has not spoken to me till this day. They My parents didn't even ask me if I wanted to keep my baby - the choice was already made - I was to get rid of it. A few weeks later I flew to England for a pregnancy termination, and within a week of being in the UK I got my appointment. and I was due in for my abortion on the 19th of September. I was 10 weeks pregnant with what I was sure was my baby boy, I just felt that it was a boy. Still, I did it, I killed my baby.
I have never in my life felt so empty, so cruel. I regret it more than anything. I think to myself, so what if you would have been alone? I would have had my baby. I could have watched him grow, heard him laugh, dried his tears, held him near, loved him every second of every day, but I didn’t fight for him and I will never forgive myself. I just hope that my baby can.
My name is Vicki and when I was 16 I met a young man named Chuck. He was everything that my dad hated, long hair and earrings; you have to remember;this was the early 80's. The fact that my dad didn't like him made me love him all the more. I honestly thought that Chuck and I would last forever; this was the relationship that would last my lifetime. He sold his car to buy me an engagement ring and if that isn't love I don't know what is;how many 18 year old guys sell their cars to buy a girl a ring?
I was the kind of person that wanted to wait until I was married to have sex, not because of the way I was raised or because of any religious beliefs; it was just what I wanted to do. In my mind being engaged was pretty much the same thing, so Chuck and I had sex. The very first time we did, I got pregnant. We immediately went into denial, pretending that I hadn't missed a period when in reality I had never even been a day late before.
Well, my mom is a pretty smart lady and she figured it out before long. One day when I came home from school she was standing in the driveway with the car running.
Our conversation went something like:
Get in the car.
We are going to the doctor.
You're pregnant aren't you?
I think I might be.
She took me to the doctor immediately, and the test they took confirmed what I had been dreading;I was pregnant.
Mom called my dad and he came home from work, which is something he never does. They had me call Chuck over, and we sat down to talk. I can honestly tell you that it got pretty ugly! In the end my parents let me know that they would be taking me to have an abortion.
Needless to say, Chuck and I didn't last. We broke up when I was 21, and at 23 I met the man who is my husband now. This man was very different from any man I had ever met before. When we started dating and things began to get serious he said to me, "Let's wait to have sex. I have liked you for a long time and want to make sure that this is about us and not about sex." How is that for awesome? I fell in love immediately because I had never had anyone say anything like that to me before.
We did wait; just not long enough. I became pregnant. I knew deep in my heart that I did not want to have another abortion; I tried to convince him that we could make it work and that we could keep the baby but he just felt that we couldn't. I was not a strong person and I was not willing to chance losing him to keep the baby.
When a woman has an abortion she is supposed to return for a follow up visit to make sure that everything is alright. Well, I went for my follow up visit and as I was leaving the clinic, with the hope of forgetting and leaving it all behind, I walked out of the door and was confronted by picketers, people holding up signs and screaming at me, calling me a killer;a murderer;so many ugly things, all in the name of God. I can not tell you how deeply they hurt me. I hated them so much, but I also hated God; I thought that if that was how their God wanted His people to treat others, then I wanted nothing to do with Him. I felt that he was a horrible God and that he should be ashamed of Himself. They drove me farther from God then I had ever been. After that whenever I would see a bumper sticker or t-shirt that had an anti-abortion statement on it I would get angry again; it would take me back to that place of hurt and open all of those old wounds again.
A couple of years later I got married and when I turned 27 my husband and I decided to have a baby. My son was so well planned! We were both so happy to be having this child, what a gift! There was something that clouded it for me. You see, when I had my abortions I was completely clueless to fetal development; even with the second one I think I chose to be ignorant.
When I had my first ultrasound I cried tears of joy because I was thrilled to see him and watch his little heart beat, but I also cried tears of grief and mourning from the realization of what I had done. It was an "Oh my gosh.... What did I do?" moment. They say ignorance is bliss, but that is only until you discover the truth. A part of my heart broke that day, a day that should have been one of the happiest of my life. For the first time, I saw the truth and had to look at things in a different light.
I had some pretty serious complications during childbirth. My husband and I decided that it was not worth the risk to have any more kids, but somewhere in the back of my mind I knew there was always the possibility to try again...we knew what to expect next time. At 32 I was told that I needed a complete hysterectomy; I knew that my secret dream of ever having another child was gone.
How I mourned the loss of that dream. With the loss of that dream came an overwhelming guilt for how much I had taken from my son. You see, I took away his older siblings and now his chance of ever being a big brother was gone as well. He would make the best brother! He is probably the most giving, caring young man that you could ever meet. He is always giving to others and taking up for others; he is the most loyal friend a kid could ever wish for - he would have done the same and been the same with a sister or brother. Now he is an only child who has bouts of loneliness and boredom. He lost a lot with my decision to abort.
I can honestly say that the hardest thing for me and the thing that will be with me always is how far reaching abortion is. I not only hurt myself and the men in my life, but I took so much from so many other people. My parents and the men's parents lost grandchildren, my sister, brother, and sister-in-law lost nieces and/or nephews, my child lost siblings. It touches so many lives beyond just mine.
I was raised in a Christian home with parents who loved me and my siblings and did their best to raise us right.
We went to church every Sunday, went to Sunday school and youth group when I got older. I even met my husband at church! I attended private Christian schools all the way through high school, never did the drug or alcohol thing, I was a bit promiscuous with my boyfriends, but never went "all the way" with anyone... until I met my husband.
We did meet at church. He had just moved into town; I being an active member of my youth group, saw a tall, good-looking young man walk into church and quickly introduced myself to him afterwards with the goal of inviting him to youth group, of course; (cuz remember, I'm a good Christian girl!) Well, that story is quite exciting in itself, but that's not what I'm hear to talk about so I'll make it short and sweet.
We started dating and quickly decided that we were going to get married (not sure when, but definitely someday) - he actually asked me to elope on our second date and we probably should have gone ahead! I used the idea of an eventual marriage relationship with him to justify the fact that we quickly became sexually active and within less than a year found ourselves facing an unexpected pregnancy. Here we are, 2 Christian kids, from Christian homes, active in our Christian church, pregnant but not married - can you say SCARED and EMBARASSED and wanting a quick fix!
As you can probably guess, we made the decision to choose an abortion. It was legal, relatively inexpensive and VERY easy to hide so nobody would ever have to know about our little mistake. We could get on with our lives, continue the faade of "virginity", get married and move forward as planned. If only we had known how that one decision would affect the rest of our lives, I think we both would have made a different choice.
In spite of the fact that it was a legal, medical procedure, I knew the truth about what I was doing. I had a choice and I also knew that this choice was wrong. I had always spoken against it and never dreamed I would find myself in this situation, going against everything I said I believed in.
But, on a cold November morning, I drove myself to a clinic - I don't even remember where it was - I could have driven somewhere else, I could have stayed home, but I went. The procedure was a horrible experience that will never leave my mind. I remember being amazed that everyone around me seemed so calm in spite of what was about to happen. A huge part of me wanted to run from the place as fast as I could but the lead in my heart kept me there. I listened to others in my condition talk as if it was no big deal but I knew better. I couldn't even claim ignorance as some - I knew that what I carried inside me was a baby, nothing less; a human being with all the potential God had given for its life. I had options available: they would have been difficult at the time but down the road I would have saved myself years of heartache over the choice I ultimately made.
I was very frightened but they gave me drugs so that I would remain calm. I can remember clutching my stomach as the machine started and the nurse reassuring me that it would be all right and would soon be over. The physical pain was much more than I had anticipated but worse than that - I can remember the tears streaming down my face as I gave up my child. It was my choice. It was legal, but in my spirit I knew it was wrong!!!
This choice remained a deep secret in my life for 14 years - only my husband and best girlfriend knew about it. I had no idea this secret would affect so many areas of my life and other choices I would make.
- I was a very nice person "a good Christian girl" to those who knew me, but in my heart I had my own secret rebellion.
- I was extremely paranoid that somebody would find out my secret and did everything in my power to cover myself and make sure that would never happen.
- I suffered panic attacks within me but I made sure nobody could see them on the outside.
- I have deal with weight issues.
- I had a very low self-esteem.
- I had 2 miscarriages.
- I had recurring nightmares.
- I compromised marriage vows that I have always seen as sacred.
- I wouldn't allow my husband to see who I really was - I refused to be open and honest with him about anything, especially my "secret" and how I felt about it - we never spoke about the abortion for the first 8 years we were together.
- I was a nice person so I never got "angry" - I got depressed.
- At one point I even sough professional psychiatric help because I felt like I was really going crazy.
- I remained faithful to my calling as a Christian but there was an area of distance between God and I that wouldn't go away.
- I was terrified of God's punishment/judgment so I submerged myself in a million activities within the church. That way everyone would see what a good Christian I was and ultimately God would have to let me into heaven because I had done so many good things.
I wish someone had told me the TRUTH about how much this one decision would affect so many other areas of my life in the future - I think I would have made a different choice.
When I was young I was a quiet and introverted child, reading books, watching TV and rarely speaking. But at age 13, I changed. I started to notice what was going on around me and I became rebellious. I started to smoke and drink, and by age 15, was taking drugs and looking for someone to love me. Anyone would do.
One of my classmates became pregnant at 15, and I remember thinking that I had not even had my first kiss, much less had my first sexual encounter. I must catch up. This was the beginning of two years of promiscuity and drugs. I was so caught up in my lifestyle, that I did not even realize that I had missed my period, much less more than one. One night, I had a dream that I was pregnant, and mentioned it to a friend the next day. She determined that it could be possible, and that I must find out for sure.
I went to a different doctor than my own, thinking he would surely not tell my parents. I was wrong. When he determined that I was indeed pregnant, the first thing he promised to do was to call them. I was in shock. I had no clear idea who the father was and was somewhat concerned about all the drugs I had been taking. I, also, had no idea how my parents would react. My mother disowned me and my father promised to take care of both the child and I.
That night, I prayed that God would take away this pregnancy. He had never answered a prayer of mine before, what hope would I have of it happening now. But I was desperate. The next day, our family doctor was arrested for doing illegal abortions in his office. Abortions would not be legal for another 4 years. This, I truly believed, was an answer to prayer.
I sat down, weighed out the pros and cons, and made my choice to abort. Never did anyone tell me what the ramifications would be, or what other alternatives were available. At the clinic, I discovered I was in my second trimester. The doctor chose to proceed anyway. The procedure went well, and I had no complications. No one, however, told me that the guilt and shame of it would last for years. I buried all memory of it, or so I thought. At odd times, small memories would come to the surface.
When it took me an additional 11 years to get pregnant again, I knew that my abortion was a considering factor. Angry outbursts were commonplace. Fear of God taking away my only child left me immobile. I crawled into bed, pulled the covers over my head and stayed there for months, battling crippling depression.
If I had to do it over again, I would choose life over death. The guilt, shame and despair can be overwhelming. Even if I would have been unable to care for this child, there are many families who could have had this opportunity. I chose the selfish path and I missed a wonderful opportunity to get to know this child and to watch him or her grow up. This was a choice that cannot be taken back. One I will regret forever.
My story begins in 1982. I was dating Mike. I was a fully mature woman of 22. Very capable of making my own decisions, and taking care of myself (or so I thought). We fell in love and within a few months, I became pregnant.
We decided to move away from South Dakota and start afresh. We would get married and live happily ever after. Mike and I were just taking things as they came. Dealing the best we could. Then I started thinking about our real future. Not the "let's play house" future, but reality was sinking in. It scared me to think that he was about to marry me because I was pregnant.
I know he loved me, but I needed his reassurance that his love was the reason for us getting married. Not the pregnancy. So I thought if I hypothetically took the pregnancy out of the picture, he would reassure me and everything would be fine.
So I causally said that there is one option we never discussed. I could get an abortion. I fully expected him to say, "NO WAY". But that's not what he said. Instead, he just kinda froze, dumbfounded. Then the words that came out of his mouth that had been spoon fed to him by the supposedly enlightened society that we live in: It's Your Body, It's Your Choice. I was stunned! Did I hear that right? He not only is NOT stepping up to the plate, he's leaving it all up to me? He really doesn't want this baby at all?
Suddenly I was scared to death. Those 6 little words carried so much power, and brought down so much fear into my life. I felt abandoned. I could go home to my parents. They already knew I was pregnant. They would support us. But, geez, I was 22 and mature ... and capable! And scared! I was so scared! No friends or family near me for support. No one but Mike. And suddenly he didn't feel so very supportive.
Parts of what happened next are so fuzzy I can barely remember them. I must have called Planned Parenthood for advice. I'm not really sure. The first clear memory was of the waiting room. When we walked in it struck me how morbid everyone looked. I tried not to make eye contact, which was pretty easy, cause I think they all were doing the same. The receptionist was behind a plexiglass. She needed $300 cash. (I've never experienced any other medical procedure that requires cash up front.)
Then they told Mike to sit and took me to the back. I put on a gown and sat in a room of about 15 or 20 other ladies in gowns. Everyone was silent, but their eyes were full of every emotion imaginable. Except the lady next to me, she saw my fear and said to me "Honey, I've done this like 12 times, it's no big deal really." I felt sick. My instinct was to run. Run as far and as fast as I could. But the fear glued my butt to that seat. I remember the counseling I got. A nurse came up to me and handed me a pill and glass of water. As she did, she asked me "are you sure you want to do this?" I think I just shrugged my shoulders and took the pill. She said "Ok, cause it's too late to back out now." My gut was still screaming, "Run, Run" but the fear was too great.
After awhile she led me to the room and told me to lie on the table. She got me ready for the doctor. I never saw his face and he never spoke a word to me. The nurse held my hand and told me it wouldn't hurt much. That was the most horrifying moment of my life. I've felt worse physical pain, but no pain really can compare to this. I felt the LIFE being sucked out of me. I heard the vacuum tube suck, and clog and suck and clog and my imagination was filling in all the blanks. The whole thing was so surreal, yet so horrifically real! I couldn't believe what I had just done.
I don't remember much after the procedure. I don't think I got out of bed for 3 or 4 days. I just lay there, remembering. I slowly got back into the swing of things. Functioning on a somewhat normal level took me weeks to accomplish. One day I decided to clean the apartment. I pulled out the vacuum cleaner and flipped the switch on. I was sucked back to that awful room, on that horrible table, and relived it again. I just sunk to the floor in a puddle of my own shame and guilt and tears. Needless to say, I had some pretty nasty floors for a couple of years.
God created us humans with the ability to survive just about anything. So I had to figure out how to survive. In order to do this, I forgot! I slipped into denial so deep, I really did forget. Well, 99% forgot. I tiny little piece of me always knew. But for all practical purposes, I couldn't remember. I was so deep into denial that when the topic ever came up, due to news or politics, I went stupid. Didn't hear, didn't answer, totally ignored the conversation. Just kinda zoned out. But once, I remember being pushed for an answer on the topic. I don't remember what I tried to say, but I remember when the word abortion tried to come out of my mouth, I literally gagged and ran to the bathroom and vomited.
Mike and I eventually married and decided it was time to have a baby. I was scared to death of the idea, but Mike really wanted to be a father. I was afraid I might hurt the baby or kill it accidentally. I didn't deserve to have a baby. I was afraid that maybe I wouldn't even like it. You see, after the abortion I devloped an aversion to babies and I would try to avoid them at all cost. I never went to baby showers, and if I saw someone coming toward me with a baby, I dodged the whole situation pretty quickly. We tried for 3 years to get pregnant. Funny, it was pretty easy to do the first time! I finally did get pregnant with my daughter Jess.
Two years after Jess was born, I was pregnant again. This time it was an ectopic pregnancy. By the time I got into surgery, the tube had broken and I was bleeding out. I've come to the conclusion that the abortion must have left a lot of scar tissue inside me, making it hard to get pregnant, and causing the tubal pregnancy.
Life went on for 13 years. In that time I left the church. People walked all over me, but that was OK, cause I didn't deserve any better treatment. Mike was the same way. We were a mess. But we did the best we could. We never talked about it, but we were both deeply affected and it spilled out into every area of our lives. Mike was finally tired of our mess and decided to leave me.
Since then I've come to realize just how much denial, guilt, pain and shame was created when I had the abortion. Sometimes, it feels like no one can understand your pain, because you are not supposed to have any. The feelings I had isolated me because I was too afraid to tell anyone. I didn't know how they would re-act. If they were pro-choice, they wouldn't expect me to feel any pain, if they were pro-life, then I must be the enemy.
Today I counsel women who have had abortions and I know that it's not the quick fix we're told it is. Instead of making "the problem" go away, it creates a whole new set of problems, that never go away.
Hi, my name is Rhonda. When I was 19 I had an abortion. I was depressed and scared and felt like there was no one to talk to. Please listen....
As I lay on the table listening to the doctor explain the procedure I was about to go through, my nerves were about to unreel. What am I doing here lying on this cold table, staring at the ceiling when the most disgusting and humiliating thing was about to happen to me? How in the world could I have gotten into this situation? I felt my life was so bad that I finally found myself at the bottom of a barrel that's how. Coming from a Christian home there was no way in the world I could tell my parents that I was pregnant!!! Never in a million years! Besides my parents, friends, grandparents, sisters, church members, anybody, everybody! What would they say? I was supposed to be this shy, timid person that would never hurt a fly.
The doctor begins the murder process. Inserting a long tube into my body, the racking began. Stop! Stop! I wanted to shout! This is insane! The pulling and jerking and the pumping sound of that machine! Make it stop!!!! Tears are streaming down my face. After what seemed like an eternity there was silence. My baby was gone. Dead. Torn into many pieces, thrown into a trash can as if it were an empty milk jug. God will punish me. He will torture me for the murder I have committed.
It's weeks later. I am still bleeding, sometimes really heavy. My head sometimes spins and I feel like I'm going to pass out. I'm getting ready to be married. I can't have this happening forever, What is wrong? Finally I go to a doctor. He tells me that my abortion was really messed up, that he would do what he could for me but he couldn't promise anything....Friday I get married.
The next week I'm admitted into the hospital for a DNC. I must be cleaned out of all the mess that still lies in my womb. What must be left? My baby's hand? My baby's feet? Head? This is the torture of guilt that God has laid on my conscience. I can't stand this! The doctor comes into the recovery room bowing his head and quietly tells me that I have a lot of scar tissue. "You may never be able to have anymore children because there has been so much damage to your uterus. Try not to think about it and go home and get some rest."
Today I am a 45 year old mother of 5 children. God heard my prayers and answered them to the most wonderful extent, but the agony and torture of that scared 19 yr old is still so fresh and vivid as the day it happened. If I had the right counseling and someone to talk to me, to let me know the risks involved, the mental torture, the emotional scares that I have endured all these years, I would have walked out of that building that day without one look back, but I didn't. No amount of information given to me at that abortion clinic could have prepared me emotionally for this. Why didn't they show me pictures of the fetus being ripped apart? Why? Because they knew I would leave there in a minute! No amount of time will ever heal these wounds that I carry.
Well, that's my story. I am someone who knows how you feel right now. Please, before you make any decisions, talk to someone, if not your parents, your pastor, someone at a Pregnancy Center near you. They are there to help you make a better choice in your life, not only for you but for your baby too.
I was 19 years old when I had my first of two abortions. My decision to abort was based on all the insight and maturity of a 19 year old stuck on partying, getting high and doing whatever I wanted to, whenever I wanted to, with whomever I wanted to. When I found out I was pregnant I never entertained the idea of having a baby- in fact it is doubtful I even thought about this pregnancy in terms of 'baby'. I was pregnant and I didn't want to be pregnant. Period. I was in an unfortunate situation and my aim was to fix it.
I was determined to have an abortion and there wasn't anyone or anything that could make me change my mind. I wasn't ready to have a baby. Maybe later, but not now. I was too young. It wasn't convenient. I wasn't ready for the responsibility and that was my primary reason for having an abortion.
It was all about me. I wasn't married. I was living with my boyfriend and I knew in my heart of hearts that this relationship would not last. In the back of my mind I didn't want anything to tie me down and I didn't want anything permanently connecting me to my boyfriend. Abortion was legal and it was my right to do whatever I wanted to do with my body.
I made an appointment to see a doctor at Kaiser Permanente Hospital in Harbor City, California. The doctor informed me of how the procedure would be done: inserting a seaweed stick into my cervix to expand and open me up to allow for the instrument that would suction out the unwanted embryo. I would be put under general anesthesia and he would take care of the rest. It would be simple, painless and I would no longer be in the predicament I was in. I had it all figured out. In my mind I would be 'back to life' as I knew it in no time at all. It was a callous decision on my part, and one that I deeply regret.
After the abortion, initially I felt relieved that it was over and I was glad that I had no memory of it. But later I felt very bitter and angry. I was mad that he got me pregnant. I was mad that 'I had to have an abortion' to take care of the problem. After an abortion there is a waiting period of usually about six weeks before you can resume normal sexual relations but I had absolutely no desire or interest in being sexual with my boyfriend. None. He couldn't wait, but I couldn't have cared less. His obsession with me became increasingly more bizarre and eventually we broke up. But even so my bitterness, resentment and deep-seated anger was something I carried forward.
A few years later, at the age of 22, I got pregnant again. This pregnancy was the result of a one-night-stand. I met a guy that I had seen around in the local bars. We got together one night, had sex, and I never saw him again. And then I found out I was pregnant ...again. I was mortified. At the time, there was a lot of turmoil going on in my family - so much so that I could write volumes about just that! And there I was in the midst of all this family drama, pregnant. I was devastated and scared, and I didn't feel like I had anyone to turn to.
One day my older brother found me crying my heart out he asked me what was wrong. 'I'm pregnant',I sobbed. He looked at me and said matter-of-factly, 'You can't have it.' Just like that. No debate. No argument. Simply, 'You can't have it.' I knew he was 'right'. I knew why he was telling me this. Our family just didn't need any more drama. Several years prior my parents talked my eldest sister into having an abortion. That's the example they set, so my brother was following suit. That's what you do when you're faced with an untimely pregnancy. You get rid of 'it'. The wheels had already been set in motion. I really didn't want to have an abortion. Been there, done that. But I felt like I had to. I felt like I was in a rock and a hard place.
Ultimately I put my family drama and my parents' dysfunction before the life of my baby. I drove myself down to a clinic in a seedy part of Los Angeles. For some reason I didn't expect the abortion to take place that very day, but I was wrong. I met the doctor; he examined me and then he told me to go into another room where the abortion would be performed. I began to panic. I wasn't ready! I didn't have anybody with me! There would be no anesthesia this time! Before the abortion, as I laid there on the table, I prayed to God, this Almighty and Holy God that I did not know and said, 'Lord, please forgive me for what I'm about to do.' What is it that caused me to cry out and ask for forgiveness? The answer to that question is because of the very nature of abortion: in utero murder. There isn't anything that feels OK about abortion. It goes against the grain of your moral fiber.
As the procedure began, I cringed and gripped a stoic faceless nurses' hand. It seemed to take forever. I hated every second of it ...the noise, the tension, the pressure, the prodding, more suction noises, the cold tense atmosphere, oh the sounds of that machine ...and knowing that what I was doing went against the very core of my being.
Abortion destroys you from the inside out. After the abortion, the doctor kissed me on the mouth as if to say, 'All better now.' He gave me some Valium along with a huge Kotex stuffed between my legs. I got dressed and drove home on the 405 Freeway in a complete and utter daze. I took care of the problem, and in doing so I would never be the same. I felt awful, disgusted, ashamed, damaged, sick, and I hated myself for what I had done.
I've had two abortions and I can't say I'm a better person for it. Not at all. Both of my abortions haunted me for years upon years. Later in life, two decades later, I miscarried twins. Miscarriage is common for women my age. Miscarriage is also common for post-abortive women. No one told me that.
No one told me that while I was having life suctioned out of my body that I was creating emotional and spiritual calamity for myself. This was supposed to take care of the problem but instead it created more problems than I ever could have imagined. Physical, emotional and spiritual problems that eventually brought me to my knees. I was a dead man walking for many years.
I never connected my feelings of inadequacy, depression, intimacy issues, bitterness and self-hatred to my abortions. I never realized the impact that the secret shame, guilt, disgust, remorse and stifled grief I carried with me for years upon years had on me. I never realized this until I got counseling and help through a post-abortion ministry called the Healing Hearts. It is only by God's grace that I can write about any of this today. By the grace of God I was allowed to have one son, my precious boy who will never have a brother or sister ~ and that's my fault. God will restore those that are repentant and He forgives sin but there are always consequences.
I'm 46 years old and today, through the Healing Hearts Ministries, I counsel and minister to women, who like me, have experienced the deepest regret of their lives - abortion. I can't undo what I've done, but you don't have to go there. If you're pregnant and you are considering abortion, think again. Think again and again! It might seem like that's your only alternative, it might seem like an easy way out or the only way out, it might seem like it's the only answer given your set of special circumstances, but it's not.
Learn from my grievous 'choice' ~ Don't do it!! You'll regret it for the rest of your life. And THAT is the truth.
Hi my name is Lana and I am a member of Silent No More and wanted to share my story with you. I am a 44-year-old mother now with three beautiful children here on earth and one baby in heaven with Jesus. I also have a precious 11-month-old grandson.
When I was 14 years old I lived in Madisonville, Texas and grew up with four brothers. My dad and mom got a divorce and my dad moved away for a better job offer. Mom was sick off and on cause she broke her back when I was two years old and since then she has been physically sick and emotionally sick cause she got addicted to her medication for pain.
So I met Mike who was 19 years old, 6"5 and at the time I felt he was my world and would be my rock since I had all the responsibility taking care of the house. Since mom was sick I was a little mom to my brothers. It felt so good to be able to lean on someone for a change cause to my mom and brothers I felt I had to take care of them and be strong.
We were having sex and I was 14 and he was 19.Then the abuse started. He would slap me across the face for no reason. I was not allowed to wear shorts, even though Texas was hot in the summer. He took a knife and cut my halter off which was under my shirt and told me to NEVER wear a halter again. I was not allowed to get in a vehicle with my friends and go any where with them. I worked at a theatre and during the day I cleaned the theatre after school and he held me up side down over the balcony and if he would of dropped me he would of killed me. I was living in fear.
I did not tell anyone cause I was scared and also wanted to protect my family. We were using no protection and at that time. I was so confused and scared pregnancy never even entered my mind. One night we were parking in his pick up and when we made love he never pulled out and wanted to get me pregnant cause he knew cause of his abuse he was losing me.
Well I got pregnant that night. I was only 14 years old and just getting out of the 8th grade. I remember the last few days of school puking in the bathroom and I was so sick... I was so afraid of Mike and I was so confused. When I told my mother I was pregnant she called Dallas for me to have an abortion. I was only 6 weeks pregnant at the time and really it did not sink in yet what was happening and before I knew it I was in Dallas laying on a table having an abortion. It was like a suction vacuum and no pain.
When I left the room and was leaving I saw so many young girls just like me scared and confused. We could see it in each other's faces. My brother and his girlfriend had brought me there and my boyfriend paid for the abortion.
The abuse continued and then me and my two younger brothers and my mom moved to Maine to be near her family cause she was sick. My two older brothers stayed in Texas cause they were older. I truly believe moving to Maine saved my life from Mike cause he was in my life no longer.
I was 15 years old and alone at the apartment and this show came on about abortion. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I REALIZED WHAT I HAD DONE. This film made it clear that I killed my baby and at the time of conception a baby is conceived. Oh the pain I felt, there are no words!!! MY GOD, MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE? I STARTED CRYING AND THEN SCREAMING. I ran in the bedroom and locked the door and cried for hours. I hit the walls and cried why??? If only I could of seen this film before I had the abortion I would of NEVER HAD THE ABORTION.
It should be a law that any woman has to see a film on abortion before having one so she at least realizes what she is doing, especially teenagers!!! We are so young and confused and scared and only realize later the horror. I have never been the same and for years I would sit in a corner of a room and cry for hours. God has forgiven me but it took me years to forgive myself and the pain lives forever. I named my baby Michael after Saint Michael the Archangel. I know I will hold my baby in heaven.
I wrote a song "IF MY WOMB HAD WINDOWS" and also one "TEARS FROM THE HEART". God willing I will write a book cause Silent No More has made me feel strongly about being "silent no more" and if I can save one baby it is worth writing and speaking about the pain I have suffered. Even though it will be hard it is what God is calling me to do... It has been years since I talked about this but whatever doors God opens for me concerning abortion I will be in the front line to fight Satan against abortion and thank God for people like you who care!!! God bless you always!!!!
My name is Sabrina, and on April 24,1980, at the local "Planned Parenthood", I had an abortion and I want to tell you how it has affected my life. As a sixteen year old girl, while I lay there on the abortionist table, I looked over and saw my baby mutilated in the glass container that was connected to the abortion machine, and this image has forever been etched in my mind.
As I looked over and saw it, I asked the nurse if that was my baby? Her reply was, "No, that is not what you think it is, now will you please look the other way?" indicating the direction opposite of my baby.
As I remember laying there on the table while the procedure was being done, the abortionist doctor never said a word to me.
He first invaded my body by giving me a shot to numb my uterus; he then intruded further, before the numbing took effect.
The pain was unbearable and the machine that was used made a loud roaring sound, followed by a sucking sound, representing the final step in killing my baby.
After seeing the visual I got, I knew the "truth" that my baby was mutilated. I cannot imagine the agony this caused my baby, as she died.
For many years I believed the lies told to me by the abortionist, I rationalized that I had done the right thing, while all the time my self worth deteriorated. I was deeply depressed and became suicidal. The result of my legal abortion was a spiraling down of my self worth that led to three suicide attempts.
Having an abortion caused me to feel worthless and I carried a heavy burden of guilt and shame for a very long time. I felt violated by the abortionist doctor, who invaded my body with foreign objects. The dignity of my motherhood and being a woman was stolen from me all at once. And my baby was dead!
I regret this decision, I chose many years ago, but I am here to ask you all this question: "If abortion is so right, then why do we keep it a secret, after we have aborted our babies". And I'm here to tell you that "I am Silent No More"
OK, it starts out that my younger sister and her friend start sleeping with their boyfriends and then I get a boyfriend. I was confused about the whole thing, 'cuz I knew deep down, that it was not a good choice. But 'they' were the 'cooler' ones at the time and I followed them. He wasn't goin to date me, but when he heard I was a virgin, he suddenly was interested.
I thought he was so cute I couldn't resist. After all, it was the only "hugs" I got in life. I thought it was great. Soon I found out he was dating someone else. I didn't know he was having sex with others, for the heck of it. He gave me Chlamydia too, so when I found I was pregnant, I also had a sexually transmitted disease.
...I finally gave in to having sex one time after drinking some whiskey my parents had in their closet. He had been pressuring me to have sex for 10 months. It was SO QUICK!!! Next thing you know, he's smoking a cigarette watchin' the basketball game. I was scared I was pregnant. It was the first time. He treated me like TRASH after that... He just wanted to be the first guy. We continued to have sex for the next 1 1/2 years with NO protection at all. We would do it in his car in the field/baseball parking area and places in the next town where I lived. At one point I remember thinking, 'Oh, I'll have a baby and everything will work out. 'Cuz all my high school graduation friends were married and having babies. So I thought, 'What's the big deal?' He was definitely not good boyfriend or husband material. I stayed with him 'cuz I thought he was really cute. Then, after 1 1/2 years, I was pregnant. It was no surprise.
On July 1st, 1985, I missed my period. My periods were very exact, to the hour. I could tell you the month, day and hour of my period a year in advance but I missed my period that day. I got just a hint of pink. I went to the store and got a tester. It was positive. For the first 2 weeks, I felt fine and I only told a girlfriend (Cassie) and one sister. Cassie told me to get rid of it. She called her stepmother in Connecticut to make arrangements right away to abort with a doctor down there. Her stepmother knew of a doctor - but I was thinking of keeping it. My mother knew I was pregnant, even though I didn't say anything. I became angry at her for not saying anything or doing anything to assist. At that time I decided to play dumb to her as she was playing silent to me. But after those 2 weeks I became very sick. Very sick. I lost 5 pounds, couldn't eat. I even went to the emergency room in the hospital, I was so sick. There was nothing they wanted to give me in case I keep the baby. I was so scared I wouldn't make it to 9 months, I decided to abort, like my friend said. She made the appointment for the same month. It was July 29th. A Monday.
My mother didn't realize I was goin' to abort or she'd say no. So I thought abortion was the way out. I pretended I was goin' to visit my friend in Connecticut. I took the GREYHOUND bus down there. My mother said, 'you can't go there, you're too sick'. I pretended I wasn't that bad. She, I believe, had no idea I was on my way to an abortion, but I heard later, "Ya, she went to Connecticut and then when she came back, she wasn't pregnant anymore...." How the hell did they know I thought?? Hmmm.
I'll tell you about the abortion next, but, I came back from Connecticut and pretended like it was just another day. Then my mother got all these books on abortion and put them on the table and places in the house for me to read, but still never said a word and neither did I. I pretend like nothing had happened, but she knew better. I was really mad now inside, cuz it's 'too late!' I thought. 'You jerk, you should've helped me out earlier. Too late now.' but we never talked about it.
...I'm so sorry a baby was killed 'cuz of ignorance on my part. When I went to confession, about 20 years later, I told the priest, "the Lord gave me a pregnancy I asked for and then I killed it." I was absolved of my sins, PRAISE THE LORD. I've been on the birth control pill from that day on, even to this day...for over 20 years. I'm horrified of pregnancy again after the last experience. HORRIFIED.
The day came. As I took the greyhound bus to Connecticut, I thought, OK, baby, I'm takin' you to your grave. My "friend" Holly took me to the place. I sat in the doctors office with other women who were holding babies. I was really thinkin' about what I was doin' was wrong. But, next thing you know, I'm in the "room". They didn't even take a pregnancy test. I said, "aren't you goin' to test me first"? They said, "Oh, I thought they did that up at the desk?" I said, "No, they didn't". So it came back positive. The doctor came in. He told me to cough, as he sprayed numbing spray and injected needles of Novacote. He told me to stay still and said I was moving too much and it was too dangerous to do. Then he said I was bleeding anyway, like I was going to lose it anyway. I think it was a lie. Then I said, 'Oh, then you won't have to do it; I'll miscarriage anyway.' He said, 'OH, NO YOU DON'T!!' (and by the way, they gave me a pink pill just before. They never told me what it was).
Then the suction...I screamed like crazy. I yelled, 'HOLLY!!!!! WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO ME?!!!!!' It felt like they where sucking everything in my torso out. It was a violent feeling. It was NUTS!!! I screamed the whole time. After, I saw the nurse take what looked like a large pickle jar to the sink and she swirled it. I couldn't believe they could get that much out of someone. I saw a few things floating around in the jar (white things with the red blood)...awful.
My "friend" was really mad at me for screaming... I was horrified at her too. She became angry with me and was mean to me after and the relationship with that "friend" suffered greatly after the abortion. Interestingly, today she's over 40 and still trying to have a baby.
Ever since the abortion, I've never been able to want kids... too afraid to get pregnant again. If I had to do it over, I'd save all sex till marriage, as it is written. Sex with out marriage FEELS EMPTY. If only I was more educated when I was young...
On the 10th of August my period was due and it didn't come. I was with my boyfriend and his parents on a holiday and I waited a week till I did a test. I did it and for some reason I was absolutely thrilled because I wanted a change and a challenge in my life. I went out and gave my boyfriend a look and he new exactly what I was talking about. We went for a walk by ourselves and we were so happy and in disbelief. We were talking about our new lives together and the godmothers and fathers and names if it was a boy or girl.
We went back home the next day and we decided we were going to tell our parents, we had no idea how to tell them and what they would do. The whole day I spent trying to get it out of my mouth to my mum but it just wouldn't and I had to tell her! So I got my mobile and wrote a text message to her. (I was at work at the time)
I came home for lunch and I had the rest of the day off. Stephen (my boyfriend) went home to tell his mum and my mum took me to the Women Health Resource Center. There they did a pregnancy test again and the counselor left my mum and I to talk. All she said was, 'Lauren, I am making the decision for you because all your hormones will be playing around and making you feel you need to keep this child. It is only a clump of cells at the moment. Get it done now and it won't be as painful.' I just broke down crying and all I wanted to do was see Stephen and let him tell me everything I wanted to hear. I cried all day in fear of what I should do because my second mum said that I should keep it and she will help and so did all of my friends.
I couldn't take it anymore. I was so sick of Stephens parents and mine plus there was also my two aunties and cousins. I decided I don't care what anyone thinks. I am keeping it and I am going to raise my child. No one was happy in my family. A month went by and in that month my mum took me to see a doctor because they thought it was an ectopic but the results were good.
And then my mum took me to a lady for supposedly a "checkup" but it was more of a brainwashing session telling me there was no way in hell that I could raise a child financially and physically, plus I had the rest of my teenage years to live it would ruin my life. She had no idea.
My boyfriend and I were having tea at his parents house and my dad came over. He had wrote in a notebook all the costs of living with a child and a chart with the good and bad. I was trying to stick up for my baby but everything they said would bring me down. They had nothing positive to say. Stephen and I went for a drive and he had (apparently to him) had a reality check, it was impossible to have a child this young and he wants to travel the world with me.
We broke up that night but then made up the next day. He decided he didn't want to loose me and he would be happy with whatever decision I made. He would be there for me (and he did stick by his word).
I went home one night and thought by myself, and I made a decision that will make my family happy. On the 28th of September I went to Perth with Stephen and my mum. I was so nervous it was the last day with my baby the last morning. I kept crying but thank God Stephen was there. I couldn't have been there without him. My name got called after waiting there for 2 hours. I went and talked to a nurse and found out I was 9.5 weeks pregnant. Then I filled out the forms and my mum handed over the money. I went into this small room with Stephen. Various types of people came and saw me and talked to me, I signed the forms and put a sarong on me.
I left Stephen and I couldn't even kiss him goodbye. As soon as I left him I cried and the people put me on this bed, I don't even remember the room I was in because all I was focusing on is the doctor that was going to kill my baby. I cried my heart out and the lady next to me was comforting me and another guy next to me put a needle in me.
I vaguely remember moving from the bed where I had the operation to the recovery room. I woke up to a lady next to my bed and I couldn't do anything but cry. I had the one thing I was ready to have to change my life taken away from me. I had cramps and I was starving. I then went out to another room where Stephen was. I felt so alone before but with him there I just wanted to be in his arms and cry on his shoulder forever. I went back to my state of mind and I felt a little relieved. I didn't feel regret. I even filled out a survey for the abortion clinic with high marks.
That day I traveled back home. To face my friends who didn't know what had happened that day at 11:00 was so hard. A couple of days later I started telling people it was a miscarriage and my friends did not believe me. They knew what I had done and they believed it was because my parents and Stephen's parents and Stephen had ganged up on me.
One was angry at the start but my best friend was disgusted in me and said she never wants to talk to me again. Everyone was making me feel so guilty and rubs it in all the time. I can't face it anymore and even writing this story is so painful. It has not even been a week and I have already started thinking how can I take it back but I can't. I can't even forgive myself. I never can, no matter hard I try. I now am going to be in pain for the rest of my life. There is no way anyone can help me out of this.
When I was 19, I was faced with the reality of an unplanned pregnancy. I "chose" to choose abortion as what I thought was my solution. This "quick" decision was made based on my fear and selfish pride.
When I was in high school, I had taken a "pro-life" stand and said, "I'll never become pregnant, but if I do, I will accept the consequences. "Why should the baby have to pay for my mistake with it's life?" I compromised this belief the first time I had sex outside of marriage. I didn't really believe that it was possible to save my virginity for my husband. In truth, I was selfish and more concerned about my image.
Selfishness and pride greatly influenced my decision to have an abortion. I was ashamed. After all, I had been raised in a Christian home by loving, Godly parents. I was afraid that I would be seen as a hypocrite, after all I did claim to be a Christian. I truly believed that the father of the baby would hate me for the rest of my life if I decided to have the baby. I couldn't see past that fear to realize that he could have eventually grew to love the baby that was growing inside me. I rationalized my abortion by saying it wasn't the right time, when I knew that God made no mistake and that this baby was not an accident.
I was spiritually and mentally numb. I shut-off my emotions because I knew what was "right" in my heart, but I wasn't willing to adjust my life. So, at 6 weeks along in my pregnancy, I went to do what I thought would solve "my" problem. I made an appointment to end my baby's life. I did not receive any counseling prior to the abortion to inform me that at 6 weeks of age my baby had brain waves and at just three weeks earlier my babies heart had begun to beat and pump blood. The procedure was painful and the doctors were cold. Halfway through the procedure I realized the magnitude of my "choice", but it was too late. I couldn't go back and change my decision. I wanted to get off the procedure table and wake up from my self-inflicted nightmare, but I couldn't it was too late. I immediately felt remorse and cried uncontrollably.
Before the procedure had begun the doctor had asked me if I wanted to see the "fetus" and I immediately said no, but after the abortion I changed my mind and they brought my baby to me in a little paper cup where I could see the body parts of my aborted baby.
The following months after my abortion were full of confusing emotions. I had stopped going to church a year prior to the abortion and there was no way that I was going to step inside a church after my abortion. I felt like such a hypocrite and I was afraid of being judged.
After my abortion I became the master of disguising my pain and "stuffing" my feelings. Even though I knew, I refused to acknowledge the impact that my abortion had on my life, on my personal relationships with others, and ultimately my relationship with God.
I experienced an overwhelming sadness at the realization that I had made the wrong decision and that the decision was irreversible. I had willingly and knowingly changed the course of my life as well as affecting the lives of many others. I tried to forget the baby and the abortion. The only problem was that I couldn't forget. The feelings didn't go away and they eventually manifested themselves into other areas of my life. Sex, drugs, alcohol etc.
But God wouldn't give up on me! He continued to pursue me even when I didn't want to listen and through the prayers of my parents and the persistent, gentle encouragement of a friend I, although somewhat reluctantly, returned to church.
It wasn't easy and it took time and God's help for me to be able to accept that the problems in my life and in my spiritual relationship with Christ stemmed from my abortion. I realized that even though I believed in the forgiveness of sins and took communion each week I still didn't "feel" forgiven. I wondered, Why couldn't I just forgive myself and move on? After time, I learned that I was caught up in the "worldly belief" that I had to forgive myself before I could allow God to forgive me. I had once heard someone say: "Self-forgiveness" is like sitting in a mud puddle trying to wash ourselves and that refusing the forgiveness offered through Christ is the sin of pride and unbelief. I realized that this was exactly what I was trying and failing so desperately at. I couldn't solve my problems no matter how hard I tried.
I finally came to a point where I realized that no matter what the cost I had to confess of my sin of abortion and ultimately deal with the pain. The thick, stone walls that I had built around my hardened heart finally came crashing down just like the walls of Jericho in the Bible.
After being raped at the age of 13, and never telling anyone, I turned to alcohol and drugs. At 16, I discovered I was pregnant just after my boyfriend broke up with me to go back with his old girlfriend. I was crushed, but made plans to run away and have my baby.
However, after telling my Mom, she said, "Denise, you're only 16, you have your whole life ahead of you..." She told me to have this operation, forget about it, and get on with my life. After the abortion I tried; becoming a drug addict and alcoholic, letting myself go, and looking for love in all the wrong places.
In my mid twenties, again I was single and pregnant. I asked the doctor what was developed? He put a dot on the page, and said, "See, its nothing, just a "clump of tissue." He lied to me. I was about 9 weeks pregnant at the time. Had I known that 3 weeks after conception my babies had perfect beating hearts, perfect arms, legs, fingers and toes, I would have never gone through with it.
This time I went to an abortion clinic and went through the most horrifying experience in my life. Searing pain like no other, cut through my abdomen like hot knives on fire...I cried and begged the doctor to stop-he wouldn't. It felt like I was being raped again! When it was over, the nurse slapped a pad between my legs, and I curled up into a fetal position, and could not talk...I went into some kind of shock. This so called, "safe" and legal abortion landed me with an infection. These abortions damaged my cervix, and badly scarred my womb/uterus.
At the age of 30 I discovered the truth about fetal development and for years suffered the deep sorrow, remorse, guilt, and pain of having my own children murdered at the hands of doctors. My favorite song is Amazing Grace. I love that GOD would forgive me for these atrocities. Forgiving myself is another thing.
Born again, the Lord found me a wonderful husband at the age of 34 and ten months later blessed us with a precious child, a son, by C-section! I so love being a MOM, and we wanted to have more children, siblings for Shawn. But sadly, specialists said that my cervix and uterus were so damaged and scarred that they could hardly believe I had him.
For the last 18 years God has called me to share my testimony in churches, schools, conferences, prisons, radio and TV to expose the evil of abortion and declare that it is a wrong and not a right! Many studies now prove that abortion causes depression, substance abuse, and sterility... I have had 2 lumps removed from my left breast, hoping I will not get breast cancer. I am very concerned about the 30 world wide credible studies linking breast cancer to induced abortion!
Abortion only hurts women, and killed our babies, it is not a medical necessity, but a violent form of birth control.
To contact Denise email: dwmountenay [AT] lycos.com
"What if I get pregnant?" I said anxiously.
"Well, we are going to get married anyway, so we will just get married sooner than we planned" he said. I fell into a false sense of security thinking that no matter what happened, I would be marrying my boyfriend.
I was 17 and he was 18. So the February of 1980 before my 18th birthday that March, I missed my period. I was pregnant. I had butterflies because I anticipated our getting married, but dreaded telling our parents we had conceived out of wedlock at such an early and immature age.
I earned little over minimum wage. He was a roofer without a high school diploma. As we sat together in his sister's house one evening, I broke the news. "Well, I'm pregnant" I said semi-excitedly. I wholeheartedly expected his next words to be, "Okay, now we have to decide when we will get married." Instead a cold silence filled the room and an even colder feeling filled my heart. I heard these words, "Well, I am too young to get married. I'm not ready for that." My heart shut down and my emotions whirled.
My father is a raging alcoholic I thought to myself, my family life is a wreck and I will never bring my baby into that environment. Oh my god! What am I supposed to do now? Left alone to my own devices I began to plot my way around or out of this situation. When talking did not yield the marriage plans I had expected, I realized I was going to face this pregnancy unmarried and living at home in an alcoholic environment.
I wanted my baby. I wanted to get married. I began to plot my revenge. I decided I would abort my baby and pretend that marrying "Bubba" was not that big of a deal. So I planned to be nice to him and have him pay for the abortion and then break up with him unexpectedly hopefully ripping out his heart as he had just done to mine. That is exactly what I did.
On March 21, 1980 I drove with my best friend to the local abortion clinic. I was told I was 6 weeks pregnant, led into a room with a silver table and given a gown. I was afraid, didn't want to be there and certainly didn't want this to be a pattern in my life. (I had a friend who had just had a third abortion) So I cried out to God for mercy and promised to change my ways. I asked Him to help me and forgive me for what I was doing. I left the abortion clinic a few hours later, went home took and took a nap.
When 'Bubba' called that night, I broke up with him. He was truly affected just like I'd hope he would be. I had punished him. I met my goal and carried out my plan. Unbeknownst to me at the tender age of 18, I had just taken and acted upon a new inner vow. I vowed to never trust men again in my life. Not my alcoholic dad, not my boyfriend and certainly not any other man on earth. I vowed subconsciously to punish any man who ever hurt me from that moment on. So began a destructive pattern in my emotions that would not be broken until 20 years later!
I met my husband, Al, about 4 months after aborting my baby. I shared with him my promise to God and he respected me by promising not to touch me until we married. We married 6 weeks after meeting. When Al carried me across the threshold of our apartment, he carried all the baggage I had hiding in my heart with me.
In my grief and immaturity I wrongly expected Al to be a knight in shining armor to me. Surely he would be the one to make all of the pain I'd experienced in my life go away. He would fix it all. He would never hurt or grieve me. He would be the answer to all that had wronged me. Needless to say, Al was human and he made mistakes. Once he did a destructive cycle began that would take us twenty years to overcome. All of this was because my trust had been deeply broken and I was hurting at a much deeper level than I could realize at such a tender age. No one could have ever lived up to the standard I had set by my false expectations. Although I did accept forgiveness for having an abortion, I was not healed in my emotions.
I didn't fully feel the impact of my decision to abort until January 1980 when, after four years of marriage, I had my son Justin. As I nuzzled him close my chest and fed him, it hit me. What had I done? What would my first baby have looked like? This first baby would be about 5 yrs old now.
I wrestled with depression, addiction and anger for the next twenty years. My anger alienated me from my husband, my children and many others. The depression debilitated me at times, even hospitalizing me more than once. Addiction plagued me as I desperately sought relief from the anger and guilt I felt. Every November I thought of the baby I aborted.
Sometimes when one of my children did something I thought was adorable, guilt would kick in and I would think of the baby I aborted. What would it be like? What would it have done so adorable? How could I let myself feel good with these children when I aborted one? I subconsciously pushed them away from me because I didn't feel worthy to have them. I didn't feel like I deserved them. A wall of guilt stood between me and affected my ability to bond with the other two children I birthed. They deserved better. A choice I made before they were born affected them without their even knowing it.
Fast-forward to one day when a friend of mine told me about a bible study called Binding Up the Brokenhearted. I agreed to go through it with her. She also had an abortion and had been affected over the last 20 yrs as well. Upon reading the third chapter, I came face to face with the anger issue I had allowed to take such deep root in my being.
I have spent the last three years allowing my self to heal. I am being reconciled to my two children and have been reconciled to my husband. I have not had an anger issue for almost three years. This doesn't say I don't get angry, but anger does not rule my life. Anger will kill you. It will destroy relationships and opportunities in life. Anger will alienate you to the point of wanting to commit suicide. I have been set free from anger now but it was through much prayer and choosing to change my behaviors. I no longer expect others to fix my pain and I do not turn to drugs, food, anger or other substances for comfort.
I can honestly say that I would have been an entirely different person had I made better choices when I was a young woman. I would have avoided many pitfalls that I set up for myself.
I am 16 years old, and I go to high school and play sports and do almost all of the activities of a normal high school student. I have a girlfriend that I have been with for almost 2 years. We fell in love and started having sex. We were very stupid and naive, and I knew nothing of the consequences of sex. Finally, after my girlfriend did not get her period, we knew she was pregnant, but we were both in denial. We talked about it a lot and thought about what we would do. She told me that she would never tell me if she was or wasn't pregnant and I agreed because I am such a coward. The next day I called her and told her that I was stupid the night before and that if she was pregnant she should tell me. My girlfriend never told me she got an abortion. Months later she told me. Ever since she told me we both feel so guilty. If we could do it again, the abortion would have never taken place. There is not a day that goes by that we don't think about our baby
My nightmare started not when my girlfriend let me know that she was pregnant as a result of our sexual intimacy, but when she suggested that an abortion would be a reasonable solution to our dilemma.
Yes we were in a tough spot. I had recently dropped out of college and was finding it difficult to cope with my parent’s recent divorce. Alcohol had become my closest friend and I was certainly not a suitable candidate for fatherhood by outward appearances. Besides I had no faith in a God of any usefulness who would and could see me through this. Her suggestion stunned me. I did not know what an abortion was. All I thought was that in some strange way it would make the situation okay.
I did not know she was going to have our child killed by the suction of a vacuum. Nobody told me that. They just said they were going to abort the fetus and that it was in my best interests. Again, I did not know what they were going to do. I did not find out what they did until 16 years later when a Crisis Pregnancy worker in a presentation at a class in seminary explained what they did. I felt shocked and guilty and sad. I had done this to my girlfriend I couldn't believe it.
That explained why I felt afraid to get close to people, they might find out I was a part of killing my own child because of my sexual immorality and irresponsibility.
That explained why I was driven to religiosity to cover up my feelings of guilt and shame.
That explained why I could not get close to a female for sixteen years, I did not want to awaken the pain of my guilt grief shame and loss.
That explained why I avoided my brothers and sisters and their children. I did not want to be reminded of the fact that I had thought it would be reasonable to let my child and their living children convict me of my mistake.
That explained why I took jobs that nobody else wanted, I did not think I deserved anything else after what I had unconsciously been involved in. The fact is that spiritually today I have a lot to say. I can say the child is mine, which it was, and ask for forgiveness.
That was why the word abortion made me angry and I did not want to talk about it after it occurred.
I suffered for years from emotional turmoil from an event that legally I had no say in. The fact is that spiritually today I have a lot to say. I can say the child is mine, which it was, and ask for forgiveness.
I can make amends to the woman, which I did, by apologizing to her for the situation I got us involved in. I can make amends to the child, which I did, by holding a memorial service for her in her honor and by publicly apologizing to her via letter for what I did. As well, I can make amends to God, which I did, by adopting another one of His children and taking responsibility for her. There is a way out of the emotional turmoil that comes in the wake of fathering a child and losing that child to abortion. These are some of the steps I have taken and my God has honored those steps with more peace of mind and contentment.
A few final thoughts...
Some of the stories are sad aren't they?
Need a hug? Here's a virtual one.
No matter what has happened in your life, each day is a chance for a new beginning.